Feeling lost, tired and empty, bipolar depression never ceases to hit me like a cricket bat to the head. For me you know the depression is really bad when even after last monday’s whitewater paddle there was no discernable lift in my mood. This is day 4 of this episode, hope things change soon. I still struggle to understand this illness, so many questions… but the two that really puzzle me are
Why after so many years on a long cycle punctuated by euthymia do I now find myself rapid cycling on a fortnightly basis?
Why can the doctors only control the ups and not the low moods?
After a short trial of IR Ritalin, we have decided to not treat the ADHD. Whilst it did help my concentration, especially during low mood states when it is at its worst… it did so at a cost. It seemed to cause a degree of agitation, put me off my food and give me pronounced tinnitus.
Currently my meds sit at:
- Lithium 1250mg
- Olanzepine 10mg
- Fluoxetine 20mg
- Quetiapine PRN
I am also struggling with change in my care in the public health system. Doctor 1 considered increasing seroquel to be the answer to all problems and was generally disinterested, doctor 2 was visionary and experimental, but shortlived leaving me with doctor 3 who is super conservative, rude and cold. Similar with my case workers, I have gone (without warning) from a highly medical minded nurse to a somewhat vague but nice enough psychology graduate on part time placement.
Somewhere inside am hoping things will change, my cycles will get longer and that a suitable treatment for the depression will materialize, but for the moment I am stuck in depression’s quagmire until further notice.